I was thinking of red flags for manipulation and I think these are some good ones
I’m not saying that the past never matters in an interpersonal conflict, but there are at least two ways of invoking it that are big red flags of dysfunction for me. The first is where you say “That thing you did hurt my feelings, could you stop and maybe we can work out a different way of handling that?” and the other person counters with a tale of something bad that happened to them, perhaps as a child, that is the reason they are this way and couldn’t help doing what they did. Suddenly, the conversation about how they upset you turns into one where you are apologizing to and comforting them. It can feel very cathartic and like you are connecting emotionally at the time, but the next day you’re still mad, and when you go back through the discussion it doesn’t add up. “Wait, you borrowed my car without telling me because your dad was never around? I don’t think that’s how it works.”
The other red flag is when the person constantly dredges up old fights and old slights. You don’t have to forgive, and you definitely don’t have to forget, but in an ongoing, mutual relationship, where everyone has apologized, done their best to make amends, and made sure not to repeat the offending behaviors, responding to “I wish you would stop doing x” with “We could try to fix it, but instead, let’s review, in detail, every single time you have ever been wrong” is equivocating. Badly.
from Captain Awkward: Easygoing vs Picky How to Fight With Your Friends
and #247: Marrying into a family with awful boundary issues, or , secrets with dealing with highly difficult people has some good stuff for boundary setting in general (warning for people disrespecting boundaries and adults throwing tantrums) and so do the how to say no and manipulation tags in general
velociraptor = ———————-